Filipino culture has been well documented. In just one click of your finger, you can have tons of information that you will need to get to know our way of life. Perhaps one of the most interesting elements of our culture is courtship! This is our lesson for today.

I’m going to start my lecture by providing you with an article, that I stumbled upon about two (2) minutes ago. It was originally published on February 14, 2002 from Pinoy na Pinoy column, Businessworld. Take note of the Q&A, which I have provided for you at the end of each part.




LOVE, COURTSHIP IN FILIPINO CULTURE




TUKSUHAN


“The traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is shy and secretive about her real feelings for a suitor and denies it even though she is really in love with the man.


“Tuksuhan lang (just teasing) is the usual term associated with pairing off potential couples in Filipino culture. This is common among teenagers and young adults. It is a way of matching people who may have mutual admiration or affection for each other. It may end up in a romance or avoidance of each other if the situation becomes embarrassing for both individuals.”


“Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude about an admirer or suitor. If the denial is vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy, then he gets the message that his desire to pursue her is hopeless. The advantage of this is that he does not get embarrassed because he has not started courting the girl in earnest. As in most Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face. Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base' in courting a girl because she does not have any feelings for him to begin with. “ However, if the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan eventually ends. The courtship then has entered a 'serious' stage, and the romance begins.”


A man who is unable to express his affection to a woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or simply duwag (coward). To call a man torpe means he does not know how to court a girl, is playing innocent, or does not know she also has affection for him. If a man is torpe, he needs a tulay (bridge)--anyone who is a mutual friend of him and the girl he loves--who then conveys to the girl his affection for her. It is also a way of 'testing the waters' so to speak. If the boy realizes that the girl does not have feelings for him, he will then not push through with the courtship, thus saving face.


Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down by the girl. In Tagalog, a guy whose love has been turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless).


Conversations with HelloPhilippines on Tuksuhan


Why does the traditional dalagang Filipina shy and secretive?

Basically, Pinays belong to the timid and shy type of the female species. We are typically reserved and we are not really keen on displaying our affection. This should not be a surprise to you. We live in a very conservative country where men and women are bound by so called “norms.” In our country, it is unbecoming of a lady to make the first move, to push the button. No matter how much we love the guy, we have no choice but to just sit and wait. To show interest and love might be misconstrued as being “malandi” [flirtatious or worse, promiscuos].


What for you is the value of tuksuhan?


The period of tuksuhan combines the elements of innocence and excitement, which is really, for me, a wonderful feeling. Those who initiate “tuksuhan” are basically people that are close and significant to would be couples. It may be the starting point of a very successful period of courtship because you both know you have people around you who think you make a good pair.


Who can be tulay?


Well, be resourceful. You've got to find someone close to her to help you out. This tulay could be your source of information such as: her interests, her traits, her hobbies.


What do Pinay women prefer, the torpe or the aggressive type?


I cannot categorically say that. I can only speak for my self. But I’d like to correct first the meaning of torpe. For me, being torpe is not akin to stupidity. A torpe guy is a guy who is ultra shy and coward, but definitely not stupid. He knows what to do but just too shy to do it. But anyway, I think most Pinay would prefer someone who is neither too slow nor too quick [aggressive] I think we prefer those who are “smooth” and composed.


How do you tell a guy that they are busted?


Well, most Pinay would beat around the bush and would prefer to make excuses rather than tell you bluntly that you have no shot. They are very considerate to your feelings. You just have to read between the lines.





LIGAWAN



Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express'). Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is the one who is being courted.
In Philippine culture, courtship is far more subdued and indirect unlike in some Western societies. A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too presumptuous). Friendly dates are often the starting point, often with a group of other friends. Later, couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be done discreetly. If the couple has decided to come out in the open about their romance, they will tell their family and friends as well.



In the Philippines, if a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl. It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family. And if a guy wants to be acceptable to the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every time he drops by her family's house. It is said that in the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her family as well.


In courting a Filipina, the metaphor often used is that of playing baseball. The man is said to reach 'first base' if the girl accepts his proposal to go out on a date for the first time. Thereafter, going out on several dates is like reaching the second and third bases. A 'home-run' is one where the girl formally accepts the man's love, and they become magkasintahan (from sinta, love), a term for boyfriend-girlfriend.


During the old times and in the rural areas of the Philippines, Filipino men would make harana (serenade) the women at night and sing songs of love and affection. This is basically a Spanish influence. The man is usually accompanied by his close friends who provide moral support for the guy, apart from singing with him.


Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behavior in a courtship dance. By being pakipot, the girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her love. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Some courtships could last years before the woman accepts the man's love.


A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her admirer that she is also in love with him immediately. She is also not supposed to go out on a date with several men. The opposite of mahinhin is malandi (flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as courtship is concerned.
After a long courtship, if the couple later decide to get married, there is the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan (from panik, to go up the stairs of the house), where the man and his parents visit the woman's family and ask for her parents blessings to marry their daughter. It is also an occasion for the parents of the woman to get to know the parents of the man. During pamamanhikan, the man and his parents bring some pasalubong (gifts). It is also at this time that the wedding date is formally set, and the couple becomes engaged to get married.


Conversations with HelloPhilippines on Ligawan


How can the manliligaw meet his liligawan?

We are still talking about the traditional way, right? Well, their common friends usually introduce them to each other. There’s also the concept of fixed marriages in the Phillippines. Here, a verbal agreement is done between the parents of the boy and the girl that says, they have to be paired when this particular moment comes. And this type of arrangement has its merits and demerits. There’s a huge possibility that by the time you “meet” your future wife, she’s not what you’d like to walk down the aisle with.

How long is the woman going to be pakipot?

It could take months, check that, even years! But that was the old tradition. Later lets discuss modern Pinoy courtship.

What does it mean to be presko?

When a guy is too arrogant and too full of himself, that is presko. Pinay wants a humble and sincere lover. It will completely turn her off if you get unreasonable conceited.

Do guys really have to make a formal visit?

That’s basically a must. If you visit the girl’s house and interact with her parents, it gives her folks the impression that you have a clean and pure intention. To court a girl in the streets or somewhere else is a big no. Your visit is also an opportunity for the parents to make “kilatis” [to size up] to your character and basically for them to get to know you better.

Do guys really have to bring gifts?

It’s not really a must but it’s definitely a plus! It would give them the impression that you just might be a very generous man and in the end, a good provider for their hija [daughter]. Gifts serve as “kiliti” [weakness factor] that you should take advantage of, if you really want to receive her parent’s blessings! It’s your gate pass to her parents’ heart.

Is harana still done today?

I guess so but it’s probably still being practiced in the urban areas and in the provinces where old habits don’t die easily. But you can do it anytime you like even if you’re courting a girl in Manila. To serenade a girl is similar to the tradition of giving flowers to your ladylove.

What are other things a guy can do to win her over?

In the distant past, a guy must render service to the girl and her family in the form of pag-iigib [fetch water] or pagsisibak ng kahoy [chop woods]. This is done to prove his sincerity and pure intention. But during this time, the girl is prohibited to even speak with the guy. If a guy touches even the tip of her finger and he’s caught red-handed, the wedding will be arranged immediately because it’s a disgrace if they won’t do so. Virginity is so precious to our culture.


How do you say "I love you" in Tagalog?


"Mahal kita." You can also say "mahal na mahal kita..." That's I love you VERY much in English. It's enough to make her melt. But of course you have to mean what you say.

TAMPUHAN

The Tagalog term tampo has no English equivalent. Magtampo is usually translated as 'to sulk', but it does not quite mean that. 'Sulk' seems to have a negative meaning, which is not expressed in magtampo. It is a way of withdrawing, of expressing hurt feelings in a culture where outright expression of anger is discouraged. For example, if a child who feels hurt or neglected may show tampo by withdrawing from the group, refusing to eat, and resisting expressions of affection such as touching or kissing by the members of the family. A woman may also show tampo if she feels jealous or neglected by her beloved. Tampuhan is basically a lovers' quarrel, often manifested in total silent treatment or not speaking to each other.

The person who is nagtatampo expects to be aamuin or cajoled out of the feeling of being unhappy or left out. Parents usually let a child give way to tampo before he/she is cajoled to stop feeling hurt.

Usually, tampo in Filipino culture is manifested in non-verbal ways, such as not talking to other people, keeping to one's self, being unusually quiet, not joining friends in group activities, not joining family outing, or simply locking one's self in his or her room.


Conversation with HelloPhilippines on Tampuhan

Can guys easily determine that his Pinay love is nagtatampo?

I don’t know about men but they’re usually slow about these things. Sometimes no matter how hurt women are, they don’t notice. And Pinays, like some other women, prefer to keep it inside. It may sound crazy but sometimes they want their guys to discover for themselves what they are actually thinking and feeling. They want them to be manghuhula [psychic]. But most of the times, this is just one way for the ladies to receive attention. It’s called paglalambing [act of sweetness].


MODERN COURTSHIP

Although the methods have been more modern and sophisticated, the basic principle of Pinoy courtship is still in place. Pinays are still expected to be prim and proper. But the society’s zone of tolerance for aggressive women has expanded just a bit. It’s probably because of the “girl power” trend that started to recognize the equality between men and women. Of course, Pinay still look for men that are honest, sincere, decent and dependable. Formal visit is still a must for the manliligaw. If a guy wins over a girl whose parents’ he’s still has to meet, their relationship is treated as “illegal.”

There are different ways in which a guy can express his feelings. In this point in time, we have what we call “courtship through text” or simply “texting.” Those who engage in this type of interaction are called textmate. No wonder the Phillippines is the texting capital of the world! We also have what we call “cyber courtship” and this is courtship primarily done through the computer and Internet. There are several sites such as My Space, Friendster, Meetic & others that serve as a venue for people in the opposite sex to meet and like each other. I’m just not sure though if these methods lead to serious relationships in the future.

Average courtship according to my research is from 2-5 months. But that’s just the averages. There are courtships that could last for a year! Engagement preferences, according to the people I’ve talked to depends on several factors such us emotional and financial stability. Pamamanhikan is still being practiced.

Premarital sex is still discouraged and there are still a lot of women who preserve their purity until their first night.

WHY PINAY?

I probably would run-out of superlatives but the best trait of a Filipina is her selflessness and her love for her family. Pinays would do everything to make her family strong and happy. She continuously makes sacrifices to a fault only because her family is her life.

TIPS ON COURTING A FILIPINA

• Don’t be too quick or too slow.


• If you come to visit her family, be prepared to:
  - Eat rice – it’s our staple food; don’t look for mashed potatoes or hamburgers!
  - Listen to her folks' story – they usually do it on the dining table; listen but finish your food
  - Meet her entire clan – lolo [grandfather], lola [grandmother], nanay [mother], tatay [father], tiyo at tiya [uncles and aunts], pinsan [cousins] and pamangking [nieces and nephews] even her ninong and ninang [godfather and godmother] could be invited so don’t forget to pay homage. Filipinos believe in the values of “close family ties” so don’t be surprised to see her clan in complete attendance!
  - Commend the dishes – I’m sure some of them looks weird [e.g. dinuguan] but just tell them it was great even if you don’t mean it


• Learn the Filipino language – it’s actually an advantage if you can at least understand Tagalog; it would help you communicate with her better


• Stay in touch – I know it’s hard to maintain a long distance relationship but you should always make her feel you’re just a few numbers away


• Blend in – as much as possible make an effort to learn some Filipino customs. Do not forget to end your sentences with “po” and “opo” when talking to her folks because it’s a sign of respect.

LOVE EQUATION: FOREIGNER + PINAY = GOOD COUPLE?

It depends. A successful marriage is a successful partnership regardless of color. But definitely, Pinays is one of the best partners you could ever find. They won’t let you down.

Credits:

Businessworld

Titles of Paintings are as follows:

Pounding Rice/Galo Ocampo, Harana/Francisco & Tampuhan/Juan Luna

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